3 Idiots Full Movie Script (English)

Hello

Yes?

What?

Sir, kindly switch off your mobile phone

Just one sec, please

Excuse me

Excuse me

Sir, please sit down

Captain, there's a medical emergency

A passenger has just fallen down in the aisle

Delhi, Air India 101 returning due to medical emergency

Excuse me, sir

Hold on!

I'm fine now, thanks. Carry on, please

Wait

Get the car. - Mr. Dhillon?

Want the name tattooed? Get the car

To the hotel, sir?

Yes, yes, but via Vasant Vihar

Step on the gas, dude!

Yeah, Farhan?

Get ready. I'll pick you up in five minutes

What happened?

Chatur called. Remember him?

The 'Silencer'?

Yeah

He said Rancho is coming

What?

He said: Come to the campus at 8. On the tank

Oh shucks!

Hurry.

Ok

Honey, I'll be back soon. Oh, shoes

We found our buddy

What?

Tell me later, bye

You forgot your pants

Now to the hotel, sir?

Yes, but via Imperial College of Engineering

Ok sir

Forgot my socks

More than just your socks

Your pants

Oh no

Now get my brother from the airport

Same last name: Dhillon

This is Dhillon. Where's my cab? On the runway?

Hey Rancho

Hey Chatur, where's Rancho?

Rancho

Where's Rancho?

Welcome, idiots

Some 'madeira' for you?

The same rum you guzzled those days

Have a drink

Where is Rancho?

Patience. First look at this

Don't eye my wife. Check out the mansion behind, idiots

$ 3.5 million

Swimming pool: heated.

Living room: maple wood flooring

My new Lambhorghini 6496 cc -

very fast

Why're you showing us all this?

Forgot?

What's this?

'5th September'. Today's date

I challenge you

We'll meet again after ten years

Same day. Same place

We'll see who's more successful

Have the balls? C'mon, bet;

Remember? I'd challenged that idiot right here

I kept my promise. I'm back

Jackass; I aborted a flight, he forgot his pants

all to meet Rancho

5 years we've searched. Don't know if he's alive

and you think he'll show up for your silly bet

I know he won't show up

You gonna break his jaw or should I

So why'd you call us here?

To meet Rancho

Come and see where I've reached and where he rots

So you know where Rancho is?

Yes

Where?

He is in Shimla

Free as the wind was he

Like a soaring kite was he

Where did he go... let's find him

Free as the wind was he

Like a soaring kite was he

Where did he go... let's find him

We were led by the path we took

While he carved a path of his own

Stumbling, rising, carefree walked he

We fretted about the morrow

He simply reveled in today

Living each moment to the fullest

Where did he come from...

He who touched our hearts and vanished...

Where did he go... let's find him

In scorching Sun, he was like a patch of shade...

In an endless desert, like an oasis...

On a bruised heart, like soothing balm was he

Afraid, we stayed confined in the well

Fearless, he frolicked in the river

Never hesitating to swim against the tide

He wandered lonesome as a cloud

...Yet he was our dearest friend

Where did he go... let's find him

Rancho

Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad

He was as unique as his name

From birth we were taught - Life is a race

Run fast or you 'll be trampled

Even to be born, one had to race 300 million sperms

1978. I was born at 5.15 pm

At 5.16, my father announced

And my fate was sealed

What I wanted to be... no one asked

Raju Rastogi... Ranchhoddas Chanchad

Room number?

D-26

C'mon

I'm Man Mohan. MM

These engineers call me Millimeter

For eggs, bread, milk, laundry

finishing journals, copying assignments

I'm your guy. Fixed rates. No bargaining

Hey wait, hold this

Meet Kilobyte, Megabyte, and their mother Gigabyte

Go ahead, click - this family doesn't bite

Check him out... another God-fearing soul

Hi. Farhan Qureshi - I'm Raju Rastogi

Don't worry

a few days here and hell lose faith in God

Then naked babes will be on the wall, and he'll say -

Oh God, give me one chance with her

Get out of here

Four bucks. Two per bag

Here's five. Keep the change

Thanks boss. For your tip, here's one in return -

Wear your best underwear tonight

Why?

Your Majesty, thou art great

Accept this humble offering

Ha... here's a He-Man

What a pretty piece. Cute and compact

A campus tradition: On Day 1...

Freshmen must pay their respects to Seniors

in their underwear

This is when we first saw Rancho

Spiderman

Batman

Fresh meat

Greetings. Drop your pants, get stamped

Name?

'Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad'

What a mouthful; Needs serious cramming

Come on: pants off

Being stubborn?

Wet pants not good, kiddo. Take them off

Aal izz well - What's that?

Aal izz Well

What did he say?

Someone tell him. Hey James Bond

Make him understand

Take off your pants or they are going to piss on you

Hey 007! Ashamed to speak Hindi?

Sorry sir, I was born in Uganda, studied in Pondicherry

so little slow in Hindi

So explain slowly. No hurry

Feeling cold?

Pray undress

or he'll do 'urine-expulsion' on you

Calls pissing 'urine-expulsion';

A true linguist in the land of engineers!

Hey, come out of there

Come out or...

or I'll do 'urine-expulsion' on your door

If you aren't out by the count of ten

I'll do 'urine-expulsion' on your door all semester

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Six

Seven

Eight

Nine

Ten

Salt water is a great conductor of electricity. 8th Grade Physics

We had studied it. He applied it

Dr. Viru Sahastrabuddhe was the Director of ICE

Students called him Virus, computer Virus

Virus on the way, with eggs

Freshmen are summoned. Come quickly

Virus was the most competitive man we had ever seen

He couldn 't bear anyone getting ahead of him

To save time, his shirts had Velcro

and his ties had hooks

He'd trained his mind to write with both hands simultaneously

Everyday at 2 pm he took a 7 1/2 minute power nap

with an opera as lullaby

Govind, his valet, had instructions

to carry out all unproductive tasks such as shaving, nail-cutting etc

What is this? - Sir, nest

Whose? - A koel bird's nest, sir

Wrong

A koel bird never makes her own nest

She lays her eggs in other nests

And when they hatch, what do they do?

They push the other eggs out of the nest

Competition over

Their life begins with murder. That's nature

Compete or die

You also are like the koel birds

And these are the eggs you smashed to get into ICE

Don't forget, ICE gets 400,000 applications a year

and only 200 are selected: You;

And these? Finished. Broken eggs

My son... he tried for three years

Rejected. Every time

Remember, life is a race

If you don't run fast, you'll get trampled

Let me tell you a very interesting story

This is an astronaut pen

Fountain pens and ballpoint pens don't work in outer space

So scientists spent millions to invent this pen

It can write at any angle, in any temperature, in zero gravity

One day, when I was a student

the Director of our institute called me

He said, 'Viru Sahastrabuddhe.' I said, 'Yes sir'

'Come here;' I got scared

He showed me this pen

He said, 'This is a symbol of excellence'

'I give it to you'

'When you come across an extraordinary student like yourself

...pass it onto him'

For 32 years, I've been waiting for that student

But no luck

Anyone here, who'll strive to win this pen?

Good. Put your hands down

Shall I post it on the notice board? Hands down

One question, sir

Sir, if pens didn't work in outer space

why didn't the astronauts use a pencil?

They'd have saved millions

I will get back to you on this

He zaps a Senior's privates at night

fingers the Director in the day. Best avoid him

You deflated Virus's erection

Your Majesty, thou art great. Accept this humble offering

Buzz off. You don't have school?

Who'll pay for it? Your pop?

Keep off my dad! - Relax

For school you don't need tuition money, just a uniform

Pick a school, buy the uniform, slip into class

In that sea of kids, no one will notice

If I get caught? - Then new uniform, new school

See that? - He was different...

He challenged conventions at every stage

A free-spirited bird had landed in Virus's nest

We were robots, blindly following our professors ' commands

He was the only one who was not a machine

What is a machine?

Why're you smiling?

Sir, to study Engineering was a childhood dream

I'm so happy to be here finally

No need to be so happy. Define a machine

A machine is anything that reduces human effort

Will you please elaborate?

Anything that simplifies work, or saves time, is a machine

It's a warm day, press a button, get a blast of air

The fan... A machine;

Speak to a friend miles away. The telephone... A machine!

Compute millions in seconds. The calculator... A machine!

We're surrounded by machines

From a pen's nib to a pants' zip - all machines

Up and down in a second. Up, down, up, down...

What is the definition?

I just gave it to you, sir

You'll write this in the exam? This is a machine: up, down...

Idiot; Anybody else?

Yes?

Sir, machines are any combination of bodies so connected

that their relative motions are constrained

and by which means, force and motion may be transmitted

and modified as a screw and its nut, or a lever arranged

to turn about a fulcrum or a pulley about its pivot, etc

especially, a construction, more or less complex

consisting of a combination of moving parts, or

simple mechanical elements, as wheels, levers, cams etc

Wonderful

Perfect. Please sit down

Thank you

But sir, I said the same thing, in simple language

If you prefer simple language, join an Arts and Commerce college

But sir, one must get the meaning too

What's the point of blindly cramming a bookish definition

You think you're smarter than the book?

Write the textbook definition, mister, if you want to pass

But there are other books... - Get out!

Why?

In simple language: Out;

Idiot;

So, we were discussing the machine...

Why're you back?

I forgot something

What?

Instruments that record, analyze, summarize, organize

debate and explain information; that are illustrated, non-illustrated

hard-bound, paperback, jacketed, non-jacketed

with foreword, introduction, table-of-contents, index

that are intended for the enlightenment, understanding

enrichment, enhancement and education of the human brain

through the sensory route of vision, sometimes touch

What do you mean?

Books, sir

I forgot my books. May I?

Couldn't you ask simply?

I tried earlier, sir. It simply didn't work

Professors kept Rancho mostly out... seldom in

When thrown out of one class, he'd slip into another

He said: First year or fourth year, it's knowledge. Just grab it

He was unlike any of us

We fought for a shower every morning

He'd bathe wherever he found water

Morning, sir

Machines were his passion

When he spotted them, he opened them

Some he could re-assemble...

some he couldn 't

There was another, just like him

Joy Lobo

Sir. Excuse me, sir

Mr. Joy Lobo;

Sir, if I could know the convocation dates...

Why?

Dad wants to make train reservations

I'm the first engineer from my village. Everyone wants to attend

In that case, call your dad

Please hurry up. Don't waste my time

Hello

Dad, the Director wants to speak to you

Joy;

Mr. Lobo, your son won't graduate this year

What happened, sir?

He has violated all deadlines

Mr. Lobo, it's an unrealistic project

He is making some nonsense helicopter

I suggest you don't book your tickets. I'm so sorry

Sir, I am this close, sir - Is your project ready?

Is your project ready? - Sir, see it once, please

Submit it, and we'll consider

Sir, a small extension... - Why, why should I?

After dad's stroke, I couldn't focus for two months

Did you stop eating?

No

Stopped bathing?

So why stop studying?

Sir, I'm very close. See it once, please...

Mr. Lobo;

Sunday afternoon, my son fell off a train and died

Monday morning, I taught a class. So don't give me that nonsense

I can give you sympathy, not an extension

Sir... I'm very close...

Lifelong I lived

The life of another

For just one moment

Let me live as I...

Lifelong I lived

The life of another

For just one moment

Let me live as I...

Give me some sunshine Give me some rain

Give me another chance I wanna grow up once again

Give me some sunshine Give me some rain

Give me another chance I wanna grow up once again

Dude's come up with an amazing design

A wireless camera atop a helicopter

Can be used for traffic updates, security... Wow!

But Virus said it's an impractical design, it won't fly

It will fly; We'll make it fly

Don't tell Joy. It'll be a surprise

We'll fly it up to his window and capture his reaction

If we work on his project, who'll work on ours?

Tests, vivas, quizzes - 42 exams per semester

You scare easily, bro

Take your hand, put it over your heart, and say, 'Aal izz well'

All is well? - Aal izz well

Words of wisdom from His Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas

We had an old watchman in our village

On night patrol, he'd call out, 'Aal izz well'

And we slept peacefully. Then there was a theft

and we learned that he couldn't see at night;

He'd just yell 'Aal izz well', and we felt secure

That day I understood this heart scares easily

You have to trick it

However big the problem, tell your heart, 'All is well, pal'

That resolves the problem?

No. But you gain courage to face it

Learn it up, bro. We're gonna really need it here

When life spins out of control Just let your lips roll

Let your lips roll And whistle away the toll

When life spins out of control Just let your lips roll

Just let your lips roll And whistle away the toll

Yell: All is Well...

The chicken's clueless about the egg's fate

Will it hatch or become an omelette

No one knows what the future holds

So let your lips roll And whistle away the toll

Whistle away the toll Yell: All is Well

Hey bro: All is Well

Hey mate: All is Well

Hey bro: All is Well

Confusion and more confusion No sign of any solution

Ah... finally a solution But wait... what was the question?

If the timid heart with fear is about to die

Then con it bro, with this simple lie

Heart's an idiot, it will fall under that spell

Let your lips roll And whistle away the toll

Whistle away the toll Yell: All is Well

Hey bro: All is Well

Hey mate: All is Well

Hey bro: All is Well

Blew the scholarship on booze But that did not dispel my blues

Holy incense lit up my plight And yet God's nowhere in sight

The lamb is clueless for what it's destined

Will it be served on skewers or simply minced

No one knows what the future holds

So let your lips roll And whistle away the toll

Whistle away the toll Yell: All is Well

Hey bro: All is Well

Hey mate: All is Well

Hey bro: All is Well

When life spins out of control Just let your lips roll

Just let your lips roll And whistle away the toll

All is Well

The chicken's clueless about the egg's fate

Will it hatch or become an omelette

No one knows what the future holds

So let your lips roll And whistle away the toll

Whistle away the toll

Eureka! Eureka;

Yell: All is Well

Hey Mrs. Chicken: All is Well

Hey Mr. Lamb: All is Well

Hey bro: All is Well

Hey, take it up to Joy's window

Take it higher

Look at Silencer: the nude dude;

Joy, come out

Come to the window

Joy, look outside

Good news, sir

The police and Joy's father have no clue

Everyone thinks this is suicide

The post mortem report -

Cause of Death: Intense pressure on windpipe

resulting in choking

All think the pressure on the jugular killed him

What about the mental pressure for the last four years?

That's missing in the report

Engineers are a clever bunch

They haven't made a machine to measure mental pressure

If they had, all would know...

this isn't suicide... it's murder

How dare you blame me for Joy's suicide?

If one student can't handle pressure, is it our fault?

Life is full of pressures. Will you always blame others?

I don't blame you, sir. I blame the system

Look at these statistics - India ranks N0.1 in suicides

Every 90 minutes, a student attempts suicide

Suicide is a bigger killer than disease

Something's terribly wrong, sir

I can't speak for the rest

but this is one of the finest colleges in the country

I've run this place for 32 years

We were ranked 28th. Now we're N0.1

What's the point, sir?

Here they don't discuss new ideas or inventions

They discuss grades, jobs, settling in the USA

They teach how to get good scores. They don't teach Engineering

Now you will teach me how to teach?

No sir, I...

Sir, my paper...

Vaidyanathan, please sit down

Here is a self-proclaimed professor

who thinks he is better than our highly qualified teachers

Professor Ranchhoddas Chanchad will teach us Engineering

We do not have all day

You have 30 seconds to define these terms

You may refer to your books

Raise your hand if you get the answer

Let's see who comes first, who comes last

Your time starts... now

Time up

Time up, sir

No one got the answer?

Now rewind your life by a minute

When I asked this question, were you excited? Curious?

Thrilled that you'd learn something new?

Anyone? ... Sir?

No. You all got into a frantic race

What's the use of such methods, even if you come first

Will your knowledge increase? No, just the pressure

This is a college, not a pressure cooker

Even a circus lion learns to sit on a chair in fear of the whip

But you call such a lion 'well trained', not 'well educated'

Hello!

This is not a philosophy class. Just explain those two words

Sir, these words don't exist

These are my friends' names. Farhan and Raju

Quiet;

Nonsense! Is this how you'll teach Engineering?

Sir, I wasn't teaching you Engineering

You're an expert at that

I was teaching you... how to teach

And I'm sure one day you'll learn

because unlike you, I never abandon my weak students

Bye, sir

Quiet;

Quiet, I said

I regret to inform you that your son...

Farhan... Raju...

has fallen into bad company

Without urgent corrective steps, his future will be ruined

Virus 's letters dropped on our homes like atom bombs

Hiroshima and Nagasaki plunged into gloom

Our parents invited us - for a dressing down

Come in

See that?

We could afford just one air-conditioner

We put it in Farhan's room, so he could study in comfort

I didn't buy a car. I manage with a scooter

We put all our money into Farhan's education

We sacrificed our comforts for Farhan's future. U nderstand?

You took these pictures, Farhan?

He had that useless obsession for a while

Went around taking pictures of animals

Wanted to be a wildlife photographer

Son, what was your score that year?

91%

Hear that? Straight drop from 94% to 91%

You find it funny?

No sir, sorry. I'm just amazed at the photos

Why make him an engineer... Why not a wildlife photographer?

Enough;

I humbly request you - Don't ruin my son's future

Food's on the table, boys. C'mon

If you ever visit again, do eat with us

Dad denied us a meal...

So, to fill our bellies with food...

and ears with more reprimands, we reached Raju's house

Raju's house was straight out of a 50's black and white film

A small, dingy room...

a paralyzed father...

a coughing mother...

and an unwed sister

A sofa sprouting springs...

a 24 hour water supply - from the leaking roof

Mother was a retired school teacher and a tireless complainer

Father was once a postmaster

Paralysis shut down his body partly...

his salary completely. And the sister...

Kammo's turned 28. They demand a car in dowry

If you don't study and earn, how will she marry?

Some okra?

Okra is now 12 /- per kilo, cauliflower is 10/-

It's daylight robbery;

What will we eat if we get warnings from your college?

Mom!

Cottage cheese?

Cottage cheese should be sold at the jewelers, in velvet pouches

Cottage cheese? - No, no, it's ok

Mom, please

Alright, I'll shut up

Earn for the family, slave like a maid

and then take the vow of silence

If not with my son, with whom do I share my woes: his friends?

Hey Raju

We were in a huge dilemma

Do we comfort our friend or console his mom?

Screw it, we thought, let's focus on the cottage cheese

Even his eczema cream costs 55 /- now

Another roti?

No, thank you. We're through

Okra for 12 /- - Cauliflower for 10 /-

At least you were offered a meal

Unlike your sadistic dad... 'Hitler' Qureshi;

And your mom is Mother Teresa... Feeding us 'eczema roti'!

Don't poke fun at my mom; - Enough, you guys

I'm famished. Let's eat out

It's month end. Who'll pay? His Mother Teresa?

To eat out, you don't need money. Just a uniform. Look...

C'mon - Come

Good evening, good evening

Oh, U ncle

Three large vodkas. - Half soda, half water

If we're caught, we're dead

What's for starters? - Get double portions

Leave this here and start some peppy music

Pia, what the hell!

Why're you wearing this ancient piece of junk?

What'll people say: My fiancee...

a doctor in the making, wearing a cheap, 200 /- watch;

Please take it off. Thank you

Hi handsome

Hey Aunty. You're looking good

Don't miss my set, darling - Rubies?

From Mandalay - Mandalay... Wow;

Hey, let's go meet David - Of course

Excuse me

Yes?

Flowers

May I take the glass? - Why?

So you don't break it on my head

Why would I do that?

For the free advice I'll now impart

What?

Don't marry that ass

Excuse me?

He's not a human, he's a price tag

He'll turn your life into a nightmare of brands and prices

He'll ruin your life. Your future will be finished

Want a demonstration?

Shall I find out the price of his shoes?

I won't ask. He'll announce it himself

What the hell... Mint sauce on my $300 shoes!

Run for your life; It's free advice. Take it or leave it

Genuine Italian leather - hand-stitched;

Dad, are they your guests?

My students. What're they doing here?

Hold on, Dad

These beans smell great

No room for roti - Just pile it on

Hi - Hey

That was an eye-opener. Thank you so much

It was my moral responsibility

Can I ask you for little more help?

Dad won't let me break off this engagement

You explain so well. Can you give him a demo too?

Certainly. Raju, the mint sauce

You're really sweet

Where is your daddy? - Right behind you

Aal izz well

Run for your life; It's free advice. Take it or leave it

What're you doing here?

We'll hand these gifts to the couple

I'll do that for you. It's my sister's wedding

Sister?

Sir, what's the sum total of your daughters?

Empty. No gift cheques

Forgot the cheques, Raju ...Farhan?

We didn't invite you, you must be from the groom's side

No sir, we're here as the emissaries of science

How? Can you explain?

Dad, he explains superbly. I'm sure he'll give us a demo

Won't you?

Well, Delhi has plenty of power cuts that...

disrupt wedding celebrations

So I thought of making an inverter that...

draws power from guests' cars

I see

Wow

So where's the inverter?

Sir, the design is ready

Where's the design, Farhan?

I gave you the design - I gave it to Raju

Raju, design?

Never mind the design. I'll make the inverter and show you

You can only invent stories, not an inverter

I'll make one, I promise

And I'll name it after you. After all, it was invented...

at your daughter's wedding. So it'll be an honor...

Farhan, Raju. I'll see you in my office tomorrow

Sir, what was the cost per plate? We'll reimburse you

...in installments

We'll never crash a wedding again - Not even my own

In fact, I won't even marry. Nor will he

Uh... right. No marriage

Your parents shouldn't have married either

The world would have to feed two less idiots

Sit!

Pay attention

This is Ranchhoddas's father's monthly income

Couple of zeroes less, and it's still a sizeable income

But erase another zero, and I would worry a little

Isn't that your father's income, Farhan?

Yes, sir

Now take away another zero...

and that's your family income, Raju Rastogi

Big reason to worry

Take my advice and shift into Chatur Ramalingam's room

Exams are here. Stay with Rancho and you're sure to fail

Want a shave? - No, sir

Then get lost!

Raju, don't worry. This is Virus's move to split us. Divide and rule

I have to worry

He grades us, and I need good grades for a good job

Unlike you, I don't have a rich dad I can live off

Shut up, Raju

Must we follow all his hogwash? 'Aal izz well'

I won't be his flunky... like you

You're crossing the line - No, I'm drawing one

I have a family to support

Dad's medicines swallow up mom's pension

My sis can't marry because they want a car in dowry

Mom hasn't bought a single saree in five years

Now don't get your mom's wardrobe into the debate

By the way, how many sarees per annum is reasonable?

Hey... no wisecracks about mom

We'll study with all our heart, but not just for grades

To quote a Wise One: Study to be accomplished, not affluent

Follow excellence. And success will chase you, pants down;

Which Wise One says this? His Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas?

Go rot in the bogs;

Raju, don't stress. We'll top our class. Nothing is impossible

Oh yeah?

Shove this back into the tube

Raju got onto another train

His travails with Chatur began. Yes, I mean travails, not travels

Chatur was called 'Silencer'

To sharpen his memory, he popped pills from a local quack

And then let off silent... but lethal farts

I didn't do it... Raju?

He always blamed others for the output

Silencer crammed 18 hours a day

On exam eve, he would distract others

His belief: There are only two ways of topping

Elevate your own grades or shrink your opponents' grades

Rancho decided to subdue Silencer and rescue Raju...

with one master plan

Our Director has unceasingly served... 'Served' means...

Damn the meaning, I'll memorize it

Chatur was the introductory speaker at the Teachers' Day function

To impress Virus, he got his speech written by the librarian...

in highbrow Hindi

Hello. Hold on. Chatur, call for you

Please collect the printout. I'll be right back

Oh... the things I have to do...

Mr. Dubey, the Director was remembering you

Really? - Yes. Just now

I'll see him right away. Give this to Chatur

Hello. Hello - Hello, Mr. Ramalingam?

Yes?

I'm calling from the police station

Are you from Uganda? - Yes sir

Your life is in danger - What? ... How?

Listen carefully, or else...

you'll get killed as you step out of the college gate

Why? What happened?

While Chatur was kept engaged

Rancho altered a few words in his speech, for eg...

'served' became 'screwed'

Yes sir?

Who are you? - Dubey. Librarian

I'm permanent staff, sir

Congratulations

Hold on a moment. The chief is on the other line

Excuse me, sir

Yes... so where was I?

You said I may die... outside the gate

Right. As you get out of the gate, you'll see a traffic signal

Traffic signal. Ok

When it turns red, all the cars will halt

Ok. Then?

Then cross the road with great caution

Because son, in rush hour if a car hits you, you're dead

What nonsense! I know that

You know that? Excellent. Then you're safe my boy

From the librarian, Silencer

You don't call me that, Chanchad

Hey. The Director said he didn't call for me

Who said 'called'? I just said he 'remembered' you

Remembered? Rascals;

Distinguished Mr. Chairperson

Chief guest, the Honorable Minister of Education

respected teachers and friends

ICE has now soared beyond the stratosphere

The credit goes solely to

Dr. Viru Sahastrabuddhe. Give him a big hand

Sir, the voice is his but the words are mine

He's a great guy, really you are

For 32 years, he has unceasingly screwed students

He means: 'served' students

I'm sure his endeavors will continue

We are astounded at how one man, in one lifetime

can screw so many, so well

With rigorous training he's built up his stamina

He's spent every living minute just screwing

Let's replicate his methods

Tomorrow ICE students will go across the globe

Wherever we go, we promise to screw

We'll hoist this screwer's flag all over the world

We'll show the world that our capacity to screw...

cannot be matched by any student...

anywhere on the planet

Mr. Minister. Good evening

You have given this institution what it sorely needs

Booty, funds - Bosom

It's booty, stupid. Bosom means...

What nonsense! That's insulting

Everyone has a bosom, but it remains pocketed

No one offers it so readily

Vulgar fellow;

You have generously offered your bosom...

to this relentless screwer

Now see how he makes it grow

Is this what you teach here, Director?

On this august occasion, here's a Sanskrit verse...

Listen to this: the might of his fart in verse

A good loud fart is honorable

'Fart'? Go, Silencer

A medium fart is tolerable

Softer windbreaks are terrible

And the silent ones unbearable

What did I do?

That's what mindless cramming does to you

Cramming may see you through four years of college

but it will 'screw' you for the next 40 years

He still doesn't get it

'Medium fart is tolerable'... Unbelievable;

You're a poet, Rancho. How did you think of this?

That was fun. He didn't know what hit him

You swines! What did I ever do to you?

Sorry man. Don't take it personally

I will

Chatur Ramalingam will never forget this insult

I'll think of it every minute, every second of my life

Sorry man. That was a demo for Raju: Don't cram blindly

Understand and enjoy the wonders of Science

I'm not here to enjoy Science

So You're here to screw Science

Go ahead. Laugh at my methods

But one day these methods will bring me success

That day I'll laugh and you'll cry

You're on the wrong track again. Don't chase success

Become a good engineer and success will chase you

These ideals don't work in the real world

You take your train, I'll take mine

Ten years from now we'll meet at the same station

Same day. Same place. We'll see who's more successful

you... or I

Have the balls? C'mon, bet;

It's a challenge

Watch it!

What's he writing?

Don't forget this date

I'm not used to such expensive gifts, Suhas

Get used to them, Pia

You're gonna be Suhas Tandon's wife

Where's the bill, man?

I'll be back

You changed the speech? - What?

Don't lie

Um... Yeah

What's your problem with dad? - I have no problem

I'm making an inverter named after him. Look... Oh

Why're you harassing him?

'Cause he runs a factory, not a college

Churning out asses. Like that one

She destroyed it, man

How dare you call him an ass?

He is one! First Engineering, then MBA

then becomes a banker in the USA

Because it rakes in more money?

Life for him is just a profit-loss statement

He sees profit in you, so he's with you

Director's daughter, doctor in the making... Good for his image!

It's not you he cares for

Who do you think you are?

What do you mean he doesn't care for me?

New watch? One moment

You always need a demo

Hey Suhas

Where were you?

She's looking for her watch

What? You lost the watch

Never mind. Get another

It cost 400,000;

Mine's just 250/- but keeps the same time

How could you be so careless, Pia

This callous attitude is disgusting. It's disrespectful

That was a limited edition watch

Now wear your ancient piece of junk at dinner

What're you staring at?

Here come the tears! Real mature, Pia

I can't handle this

Stop crying and look for it

Find another wrist for this watch... Ass;

Hey, you're awesome. Called him an ass to his face

Get lost

It's too noisy here

She's saying 'Thank you', I hear 'Get lost'

I said 'Get lost' - Don't get so uptight

Actually, you never really loved him

What do you mean?

When you see him, do the winds whisper a melody?

Your scarf flies in slow motion?

The Moon appears gigantic?

That happens in movies, not in life

Happens in life too - if you love a person

...not an ass

Hello. What?

Oh God; Ok, I'm on my way

You're a medical student, right? Need your help

It's an emergency, please - What?

Please come with me. What's that oath you doctors take -

You'll never deny a patient help... The Hippocratic Oath

Please help me, it's an emergency

You gatecrash my sister's wedding, break off my engagement...

my dad is popping BP pills because of you...

and here I am, helping you;

Unbelievable;

This Hippocratic Oath - It's really done us in!

Where's Raju, ma'am? - Gone to get a cab

Called the ambulance two hours ago

In this country, pizza reaches in 30 minutes

but an ambulance...;

He needs hospitalization. Urgently

Hey stop;

Move, it's an emergency!

Move... move...

Move... move...

Doctor, emergency!

That's the patient

Keep this. Hey, here's Raju

What the hell; You brought dad on the scooter

Should I've sent him by courier?

No wisecracks on dads profession! Where is he?

Go ask the doctor

Close call, Pia. A little delay, we'd have lost him

Glad you didn't wait for an ambulance and got him on the scooter

Call me if there's a problem

Rancho; Thank you...

Thanking your buddies; Silencer teaching you manners?

Didn't he teach you - A friend is man's greatest bosom?

Go on now. You have an exam tomorrow

Exams we have many... Dad mostly just one

We won't budge from here without the Postmaster

Don't worry

Rancho, forgive me. I was scared

It's ok. Quiet, now

Please forgive me

It's ok, calm down. Go see your dad

And don't go with that weepy face

Thanks buddy

Natty scooter. Saved a life. How much does it cost?

Pour some mint sauce on it. It'll tell you

Hey, happy Independence Day

Today isn't Independence Day

For you it is! Now you're free to wear your mom's watch

No ass can say it's an ancient piece of junk

Hey

How do you know it was mom's watch?

At your sister's wedding, you wore sparkling new clothes

Only the watch was old

What could that mean?

You really missed your mom that day, didn't you?

Yes

Your mom must've been really beautiful

Yes. How do you know?

Seen your dad?

'Life is a race. If you don't run fast

you'll be a broken egg ...cuckoo bird'

You...

The winds whisper a melody

The sky hums along

Time itself is singing...

Zoobi do...

Param pum

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum'

My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum'

My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along

Leaves sing on their branches Bees jam with flowers

Crazy sunbeams dance off petals As birds yodel in the skies

Flowers, bold and brazen Snuggle and cootchie-coo

I've seen it happen in movies What's now happening with us

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum'

My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum'

My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along

Let's make the unique and ever useful mint sauce

The all-powerful sauce that exposes phony people

Your 7th house is clear

Shunning an ass, you 'll fall for a human

Time is ripe for love

Temperature in New Delhi remains stable

Clear skies. But if in love, expect rain

Pitter-patter go the raindrops Whish-whoosh whistles the wind

Do-da-dee waltzes the rain Boom-boom echoes the sky

Drenched in rain and passion You sway your hips on cue

I've seen it happen in movies What's now happening with us

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum'

My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum'

My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along

The gorgeous low moon Serenades the earth

A shooting star skips along Crooning a ballad of love

The night is bright but lonesome Come touch me, my handsome

I've seen it happen in movies What's now happening with us

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum'

My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi pum paara Zoobi doobi param pum'

My silly heart goes 'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' as it jives and jigs along

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' ...goes my silly heart

'Zoobi doobi zoobi doobi' ...goes my silly heart

Hello. Wake up

Huh... Postmaster's dead? - What;

No, stupid

It's 8.30, your exam is at 9

But we can't leave him alone

I'm here. It's a matter of three hours

Take my scooter. It's getting late

Hey...

Gosh, what an ancient watch

Go

Sorry, we're late - It was an emergency

Settle down there

Sir, they're still writing

Hello. Time up

Please, five minutes. We started half an hour late

It was an emergency

He glared at us like we 'd asked for both his kidneys

But we continued writing

He continued arranging the answer sheets

Done, sir

You're late. I can't accept these

Sir, please, sir

Sir, do you know who we are?

Prime Ministers son? Even then...

I will not accept your paper

Do you know our names and roll numbers?

No...

Who are you?

He doesn't know: Run!

Hey, what's your roll number?

Where the hell are their papers?

O Lord, have mercy

Today was Results day. Time to make a deal with God

Just save my Electronics. I'll offer a coconut

Sir Snake, bless my Physics. I promise a pint of milk per day

O Mother Cow, help me pass... have this grass

I vow: No X-rated thoughts of girls in my class...

Watch over my results

God of Wealth, I'll offer 100 /- every month

100 /- won't bribe even a traffic cop

let alone the Almighty

Check from the bottom

You are... last

And you?

Second last

Rancho?

Not there

My heart sank

Not 'cause our ranks tanked, but 'cause our friend flunked

There's a mistake. It's not possible. It's injustice

What's Silencer howling about?

He got the second rank

Who's first?

Rancho

Rancho?

Move aside

We learned a lesson in Human Behavior:

Your friend fails, you feel bad. Your friend tops, you feel worse

We were sad. Two others were sadder

Ranchhoddas Chanchad. Front row. Right of the Director

Uday Sinha. Second row. Third seat

Alok Mittal. Second row. Fifth seat

Sahili Rao. Third row...

Sir, why this seating according to rank?

Any problem with that?

Yes, this grading system is like a caste system

A-graders: Masters C-graders: Slaves

It's not nice, sir - You have a better idea?

Yes. Results should not be displayed at all

Why publicise someone's flaws?

If your iron count is low, will the doctor prescribe tonic...

or air your report on TV

You see, sir?

So basically, what you are saying is

I should personally go to each student's room

and whisper in his ears...

'You have come first'; 'You're second';

'Oh, I'm so sorry, you have failed'

No sir, I mean grades create a divide

I've topped, so I'm next to you

My pals came last, they're in the back corner

At least they're in the corner

More time with you, and they'll be out of the photo

They will neither pass, nor get a job

They'll get jobs, sir. There must be some firm that...

prefers humans to machines

They'll get jobs. I guarantee

You guarantee it;

Bet, sir?

Govind - Yes, sir?

Even if one of them gets a job in campus interviews...

shave off my moustache

Sir!

Happy? - Smile, please

Happy, sir

Jackass; Honking to hide your tooting

Septic tank; Popping pills again?

I didn't do it... Raju?

This is a familiar stink

He's the sole cause for global warming

Toss me your wallet: I'll buy pants

Take Chatur's suit instead - Don't touch my suit

Rancho'll recognize you even in underwear

Where's this? - If I could read, would I sell peanuts?

He can't read - But he can speak

Wait. Do you know a Ranchhoddas Chanchad?

Yes, he lives there

Free as the wind was he

Like a soaring kite was he

Where did he go...

let's find him

Chatur, your pills - Thanks. Where were they?

In the pocket - Hey, my pants!

Karl Marx says to share all resources

Hey, you'll give people ideas

I want it now

What happened?

Rancho's father

Excuse me, where is Ranchhoddas?

There he is - Thank you

Rancho... - Yes?

Sorry. We're looking for Ranchhoddas

I am Ranchhoddas

No, I mean... 'Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad'

Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad. That's me

Ranchhoddas, take care, son

'Ranchhoddas Chanchad'

Raju

I'll be in the Guinness Book for driving Delhi-Shimla in underwear

That too, for the wrong guy;

Same name, same degree, same photo, but a different guy

What's going on?

How did Silencer get Rancho's address?

Good point!

Hey Chatur, come here

How dare you open this? I got this from San Francisco

Handmade biscuits

Specially for Mr. Phunsukh Wangdu

Phunsukh Bangdu? Who's that?

Not Bangdu. Wangdu. 'W'. Phunsukh Wangdu

Do you know who that is? He's a great scientist

400 patents. The world wants him

Took me a year to get an appointment

Once he signs the deal with my company, I'll be huge!

Forget Wangdu. How'd you get Rancho's address?

You should be thanking Phunsukh Wangdu

He led me to Rancho, See this

My secretary was here to fix an appointment with Wangdu

She didn't get the appointment. But I found Rancho

I checked the Shimla directory and found Rancho's name

What happened to his face?

Plastic surgery in honor of your visit?

Only one man has the answer

Sorry Papa, I couldn't fulfill your last wish

You kept asking me to take you on pilgrimage

But I waited for the highway tender

There the tender opened, here you closed your eyes

I am so sorry, Papa. I could not be a good son...

Wrong

You're an engineer. Your degree's on the wall!

You were a very good son

How dare you barge in? I'll have you arrested

No, you'll be arrested. We've made enquiries

You use the degree to clinch contracts

It's our friend's degree. How did you get it?

This is a 150 acre estate

If I shoot and bury you, no one would even notice

Get the point?

Now get lost

I'm taking Papa's ashes to the sacred river. Can take yours too

Grab Papa!

Here, here

Let go of Papa;

Tell the truth or Papa is flushed;

Hand over Papa - Papa goes to the sacred sewer

Get Papa out of the potty - You pull trigger, I pull flush.

I'll count to three

Wanna shoot us? Raju, scatter the ashes

One

Take us down, and Papa's down the drain

Two

Then grope for him in the gutter

What is it, Raju?

We've got the wrong urn. It's empty;

Empty?

Empty: we'll empty it out;

No, no;

We'll empty it out

No... hands up!

Who are you?

I am Rancho

I swear on Papa, it's true

I am Rancho; That was Chhote.

Chhote?

He was our gardener's son, Chhote

He stayed on with us after he was orphaned

Did odd jobs around the house, ran errands

He had a passion for learning

He'd wear my old uniform and slip into school

And attend any class he liked. It suited me

I made him do my homework, take my exams

It was going well, till one day...

Our teacher saw a sixth grader doing tenth grade math

Which grade are you in, son?

What's your name?

We got caught

Papa was a powerful man, so...

our teacher alerted him before going to the Principal

You started it, you will finish it

People pretend to show me respect

But behind my back...

mock me as an illiterate

I won't let that happen to my son

This boy wants to study. I want just a degree

Let the game go on

Make this kid an engineer

and I'll have a degree in my son's name on that wall

I went to London for four years, he went to college as me

He'd promised to cut contact with all after getting the degree

But he always said, 'Two idiots will come looking for me'

He really misses you both

I'll give you his address, go to him

But please keep my secret

What secret?

You got the wrong urn, sir. Papa is in here

What the hell's going on? Who was that gun guy?

Complicated story. Without subtitles. Not for you

Ignore it - Where're we going?

Ladakh

Ladakh! Why?

To meet Rancho

What's he doing in Ladakh?

No clue. We have the address of a school

School teacher!

I'm Vice President of Rockledge Corporation, and he...

A for Apple, B for Ball...

D for Donkey

Next week I sign a huge deal with Phunsukh Wangdu

And he... A for Apple, B for Ball...

Today my respect for that idiot shot up

Most of us went to college just for a degree

No degree meant no plum job, no pretty wife...

no credit card, no social status

None of this mattered to him

He was in college for the joy of learning

He never cared if he was first or last

Who was the first man on the Moon?

Neil Armstrong, sir

Obviously, it is Neil Armstrong. We all know it

Who was the second?

Don't waste your time. It's not important

Nobody remembers the man who ever came second

Soon, 26 companies will be here with job offers

You'll have a job even before your final exam

This is your last lap, my friends

Put the pedal to the metal. Step on the gas

Go out there and make history!

Any questions?

Yes?

Sir, suppose a student gets a job...

but narrowly fails the final exam, will he still have the job?

Very good question

Anyone else with the same question?

As expected

Please come on stage. Give them a big hand

For the last four years

they've been our most consistent students

Consistently last in every exam

Come my geniuses, come

Their brains will fetch a handsome price

'Cause they're completely unused

And to answer their question -

The exam won't affect their jobs

Because no company will hire them anyway!

They're so unique, their names will be writ in gold -

'Farhanitrate' and 'Prerajulization'

Give them a big hand, please, everybody

He screwed us;

In front of everyone

God, I'll give up meat, light a 1000 incense sticks

Do me just one favor -

Delete Virus!

Burn him in hell

Fry Virus-nuggets in bubbling oil

You think God is a contract killer?

You shut up

You're in the center of the photo every year

We're rotting in the corner

This year we may fall out of the photo altogether

Know why I come first? - Why?

Because I love machines

Engineering is my passion

Know your passion?

That's my bag - Be quiet

What're you up to?

This... is your passion

Go post this letter

What letter?

5 years ago he wrote this for his favorite wildlife photographer

Andre... - Istvan

He wanted to train with him in Hungary

But in fear of his dad, the Fuhrer, never posted it

Quit Engineering, marry Photography

Follow your talent

If Michael Jackson's dad forced him to be a boxer...

and Mohammad Ali's dad pushed him to be a singer...

imagine the disaster

Do you get it?

Idiot; Loves Photography, but is marrying machines

Your Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas

Engineering is my wife and mistress both

But I still fail. Why? - Explain

'Cause you're a coward, scared of the future

Look at this - more holy rings than fingers

One ring per fear - exam, sis's dowry, job

With such fear of tomorrow, how'll you live today?

How'll you focus on studies?

Strange buddies; One lives in fear, the other in pretense

You live in both: fear and pretense

You're scared to tell Pia you love her... so you pretend you don't

What rubbish!

Easy to offer free advice, tough to follow it

Have the guts? Go confess to Pia.

There's no connection! - Deep connection, Your Holiness

Listen, if you confess to Pia

I'll tell Dad: No Engineering, I'm marrying Photography

And I'll dump my rings before the job interview

Deal?

Have the guts?

His Holiness is speechless

Let's go

Follow me - Where?

Let's go

Hey Virus; I'm anti-Virus

Hope no dog here

Cowards! Let's go

If any danger, I'll give the Virus alert

Beware: Virus inside

Need background score?

Pia - Who's it?

Don't yell! It's me, Rancho

Just listen for a moment, then I'm gone

Say not a word...

Pia... - Yes?

Those 22 minutes with you on the scooter

were the most enchanting 22 minutes of my life

I could spend an eternity with you on the scooter

Wow

...and time stands still

Every night you ride into my dreams on your scooter, dressed as a bride

Instead of a veil, you lift your helmet

and come close to kiss me

But that kiss doesn't happen

Why?

Because the noses collide, and I wake up

The noses never collide, stupid!

I'm sorry, I thought you were Pia

I wish I was

Sis, why did you interrupt?

It took him four years to say this

Pia, kiss him. Show that noses don't collide

You have my permission, kiss him... He's so cute!

Who's this? - My sister

Who're you?

When you were talking, he kicked. First time;

He? How do you know it's a 'he' or 'she'?

Papa asked the astrologer If we'd get an engineer or a doctor

Meaning?

Boy becomes an engineer, girl a doctor

Champ, better stay inside. Out here's a circus

Your grandpa is the ringmaster. He'll crack his whip -

'Run! Life is a race. Be an engineer'

But you follow your heart. If grandpa scares you...

put your hand on your heart and say, 'All is well'

He kicked

Say it again

All is well

Kicked again

Once more - All is well

All is well

Who is it?

Go

You sent hate-mail to Dad, here's pee-mail for you

Enjoy the pee-mail, happy reading;

Who is it? - Your future son-in-law

And the wedding party

Rastogi;

Security, that way

So you all have already learned about the simple pendulum

Now let's get down to the advanced study about compound pendulum

It's an irregular object oscillating about its own axis

Let me demonstrate to you

What's this? - Pencil

What's inside? - Lead

Good. Lead is the axis to this pencil

Even you can be a compound pendulum, if you oscillate about...

Where is Raju Rastogi? - Present, sir

Hi. Everybody is here

Good morning, sir

Where were you last night?

Studying all night, sir - Studying?

Really?

Hasn't slept two nights, that's why he looks scruffy

Not slept?

What did you study?

Induction motor, sir. The whole chapter

Whole chapter?

In that case, Mr. Ra ju Rastogi...

Yessir!

Can you tell us how an induction motor starts?

Stop it

Sir, rum

Mr. Rastogi

Let's have a cup of tea in my office

Sir?

Close the door

Can you type?

Yes, sir

Will you type a letter for me?

Definitely, sir

Come, sit

Sir, I'm sorry sir...

Please type

Dear Sir...

It is my painful duty to inform you...

that your son is rusticated...

No, sorry, delete that. Go back

Your son, Mr. Raju Rastogi...

is rusticated from the Imperial College of Engineering

Come on, type

It'll kill my dad, sir

Please type - Sir, please sir

My decision is final and irrevocable

He lives just to see me become an engineer

Should've thought of that before peeing on my door

Sir, give me one chance... please

Ok, remove your name from the letter...

and put in Rancho's

I know he was with you last night

Be my witness and I'll spare you

You have 7 1/2 minutes to think

We won't let go of you

We're not done yet... no way

The heavens may beckon you

But we'll take up arms against God

And it's not a fight we intend to lose

You may try your best to escape

Try with all your might

But there is no way we are letting go of you

We won't let go of you

We're not done yet... no way

Rancho, watch that monitor

Raju

His body is paralyzed with shock, but his mind is alert

He can see and hear us. Please don't cry in front of him

Speak to him normally, motivate him, joke around

Good news, Raju. Your dad's recovered

The new medicine worked

Is this your family tradition -

As one male gets up, the other conks out?

Come, wake up

Your dad wants Pia's scooter

Should I give it to him? Hope he won't dent it

Raju, Farhan is live on webcam. From the hostel

Look, Virus has canceled your suspension order

Problem solved... Wake up now

Everything's resolved; You hear that?

Rise and shine, buddy

In this journey of few strides

On the path called life

Don't quit... Just celebrate the ride

Listen please to those who love you

Every dark night is followed by sunrise

Don't shut out those who love you

We won't let go of you

We're not done yet... no way

We won't let go of you

We're not done yet... no way

Look, mom bought a new saree - Brand new

It cost 2000 /-

Wake up now

She bought not one, but ten sarees

Look!

Hey Raju;

C'mon tell me... How do I look?

Remember the letters mom would write...

Always blessed you with eternal life

Don't die on her... you can 't die

Look at us now, don't turn away

Smile once to show you care

Wake up, don't torment us anymore

Did you hear about your sis?

She's getting married

Without any dowry

The bridegroom wants nothing at all

He just wants Kammo

You know who the bridegroom is? - Yeah

Guess;

You know him very well - Yes

He loves animals - Huh...?

He's going to be a wildlife photographer

Quiet... Shhhh...

Didn't get it? It's our Farhan

Farhan will never take any dowry

Farhan will marry your sister

For free; Free! Free;

Raju

One kilo okra, 500 grams cheese for 'free' would've woken him

Why sacrifice me...!

Well done, buddy

So it's all fixed - Farhan will marry your sister

Rancho

Rascals... Stop fibbing

Lucky escape;

We won't let go of you

We're not done yet... no way

We won't let go of you

We're not done yet... no way

We won 't let go of you

'Okra Rs.12 / kilo'

You called for a taxi?

I did - It's waiting

Thank you. Why?

I'm going to the job interview

You coming with me?

No. I'm going for the interview. You're going home

Why would I go home?

Remember, we promised this rascal

Give me your tie

Why?

I doubt you'll go for the interview after reading this

What's that?

A letter - For you, from Hungary

Some photographer called Andre Istvan

You posted my letter!

He loved your pictures

The guy wants you to assist him...

in the Brazilian rain forest, for a year

Will pay you, too

Dad will never agree

Go speak to him... from your heart

For once, dump your fears...

or someday, on your deathbed, you'll regret it

You'll remember that the letter was in your hand, taxi at the gate...

With just a little courage, you could've turned your life around

Do you think he'll like it?

Why such an expensive gift?

Our son's getting his first job today

Don't be stingy at such a proud moment

Farhan?

Don't you have the job interview today?

I didn't go

I don't want to be an engineer, Dad

What happened? You had an accident?

See that building? I jumped from its third floor

Why?

Because I was rusticated from college

Why?

Drunk, I urinated on the Director's door

That scoundrel Rancho is messing with your mind!

I don't enjoy Engineering. I'd make a terrible engineer

Rancho has a simple belief - Make your passion your profession

Then work will become play

What'll you earn in that jungle?

A small stipend, but I'll learn a lot

Five years from now...

when you see your friends buying cars and homes, you'll curse yourself

Life as an engineer will bring only frustration. Then I'll curse you

I'd rather curse myself, Dad

The world will laugh!

Label you a loser, for quitting in the final year

Mr. Kapoor feels you're fortunate to be at ICE. What'll he think?

Mr. Kapoor didn't provide me with an air-conditioner

It wasn't Mr. Kapoor who slept in discomfort while I slept well

He didn't take me around the zoo on his shoulders

You did all that, Dad

How you feel, matters to me. Mr. Kapoor makes no difference

I don't even know his first name

You think you're the hero of a melodrama?

Enough, please... he's upset

God forbid, if he did something crazy like Raju...

Then the discussion is over

Don't say a word or His Lordship will jump off the roof

No, Dad. I'll never attempt suicide. I promise

The Rancho you detest put this picture in my wallet

Told me to see it if a suicidal thought crossed my mind

and imagine what'd happen to your smiles

when you see my dead body

I want to convince you, Dad

but not with a suicide threat

Dad, what'll happen if I become a photographer?

I'll earn less

I'll have a smaller house, a smaller car

But I'll be happy

I will be really happy

Whatever I do for you will be out of genuine love

I've always listened to you

For once, let me listen to my heart

Please... Dad

Dad...

Please don't go away...

Return this

Son, what's the cost of a professional camera?

Can the laptop be exchanged for it?

If you need more money, just ask

Go live your life, my son

Your grades are consistently poor. Reason?

Fear

I was a good student since childhood

Parents hoped I'd end their poverty

That scared me

Here I saw the mad race. You don't count if you're not first

My fear grew

Fear is not good for grades, sir

I slipped on more charms and rings

Prayed to God for favors. No... begged for favors

16 broken bones gave me two months to think and reflect

Finally, sense dawned

Today I didn't beg God for this job, just thanked him for this life

If you reject me, no regrets

I'll still do something worthwhile with my life

Such frank behavior is not good for our firm

We need someone diplomatic to handle clients

You're too straightforward

But...

if you assure us you'll control this attitude

we may consider you

It took two broken legs to get me up on my feet

Wasn't easy to get this attitude

Can't change it, sir

You keep your job... I'll keep my attitude

I'm sorry, no offense, sir

Wait

I've interviewed countless candidates for 25 years

Everyone turns into a yes-man to get the job

Where did you spring from, son?

Sir?

Shall we discuss the salary?

Thank you, sir

Your Majesty, thou art great

Accept this humble offering

Govind!

You had said, 'If he gets a job, shave it off'

What have you done?

I feel naked without my moustache

I've lost my dignity

I won't accept defeat, Rastogi

The job isn't yours until you pass your final exam

And this time, I will set the question paper

Dad, that's not fair

Everything is fair in Love and War

And this is World War... III

Rastogi, you're dead meat;

Hey

What're you doing here?

Be careful

You've been drinking - Yup, had to down a couple

A couple too many;

Needed the guts - For what?

For stealing this - What's this?

The duplicate key to Virus's office

The question paper's in a cover with a red seal

Dad has set it, to fail Raju

Go get it;

Are you mad or what - that's cheating;

Everything's fair in Love and War

Tell me something...

Do you really feel...

the noses collide while kissing?

Wait. Have some dhokla

You Gujaratis are so cute

But why does your food sound so dangerous?

Dhokla, Fafda, Handwa, Thepla, Khakhra

Sound like missiles

C'mon

'Today Bush dropped two Dhoklas on Iraq'

'400 dead, 200 injured'

C'mon

Oh...

I can deal with Khakhra, Fafda. But your name...

'Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad': Yuck

I won't change my last name after marriage

Pia, we can't get married

Why?

Is there someone else?

No

Are you gay? - No

Then why don't you propose to me?

Are you impotent? - No

Then prove it

Pia, no

Stop, stop;

What happened? - We didn't inform Pia

Stop here, my bladders are bursting

Shut up! - Are you in touch with her?

No... I have her home number Then call her, I'll stop

Hello

No place for urine-expulsion in this country

Hello, is Pia there? - No, she's not

Is she at the hospital?

Why would she be there?

She's getting married today - in Manali

Too late! She's married

Not yet. It's a six hour drive

If we rush, we'll reach before the vows

What do you say?

It's a no-brainer. Let's turn back

No turning back

Straight to Ladakh. We'll meet Rancho and return

I have a Friday meeting with Phunsukh Wangdu

Get into the car

If I miss my meeting, the Japanese will get him

They're offering him a first name in the company

'Phunsukh and Fujiyashi', profit sharing...

Pia weds Suhas; - Thanks for the suit

Virus will have a heart attack

At every daughter's wedding, we're there to rock the party

Listen, I'll update Pia, you peel off the price tag

Farhan - We found Rancho

For Room 107? - Yes, sir

You've taken ages - Sorry, sir

Off, now

Housekeeping, sir - Come in

Amore... Amore...

Quick, iron my coat

Amore... Amore...

We found Rancho! Now you can't marry this ass

You're mad, Farhan

Don't fool yourself, Pia. You still love Rancho

You're still eating his favorite food

Amore... Amore...

He's incorrigible. Once a price tag, always a price tag

Shut up, Farhan. Suhas is a changed man

He doesn't speak of brands and prices anymore

My 150,000/: coat

Why do you people eat sauce?

I'll sort it out, sir - How?

Our laundry specializes in cleaning mint-stained suits

I'll clean it in a jiffy

Get it soon

But it's too late now, Farhan - Pia

Let's go, Pia, we're late

Pia, it's me... Raju. Don't yell, they'll kill me

Where is Suhas?

Housekeeping took my coat

Go... Send Suhas here

It's rude to leave the ceremony

Yeah, Farhan? - The car's ready

Grab her hand and run. Don't move

Sir... - My coat?

You're here...

So who's at the altar? - Altar?

Another couple of rounds, and we'll be considered married

I'm already married, Pia. Let's go

It's too late. People will laugh at me

So you'll commit suicide?

Rastogi;

People will gossip briefly, then forget

But you... you'll regret on your deathbed

that the car was at the gate, Rancho within reach...

but in fear of people, you married this ass

Housekeeping?

Pia, minor problem

What?

We don't know if Rancho's married

What;

He won't be married - And if he is?

Then we'll drop you back

Relax! Handmade biscuit?

What's he doing here?

Ignore him - The biscuit's very good

Till yesterday, I was a law-abiding citizen

But in the last 24 hours, I'd grounded an aircraft

almost assigned Shamaldas's ashes to the sewers, and

made a bride elope from her own wedding! All for Rancho

But he too would do anything for friends

Like stealing the question paper... from the lion's den

Envelope with the red seal

He feared that if Raju failed, there'd be another high jump

We were principled thieves, stealing the paper only for Raju

We'd sworn we won't even take a peek

Where's it hidden...

We'll grow old searching; Ask Pia

Pia, your phone

Mr. Papa-To-Be; If you say 'All is well', he kicks

He kicked

Pia, your phone

Found it! Rancho

Hello?

Quick, photocopy this

Where was it?

Put it back

We're safe! - Where were you?

Here - What's this?

A gift

Question paper. Virus set it himself, to fail you

Strange buddies;

First teach you to be upright, then offer a path to shame

No way

If I pass, it'll be on my own steam

If I don't, it's still ok

He'd won us over! I felt like embracing him as family...

but then I controlled my emotions

Damn thief - Sir, please, sir

Rascal - Sorry sir

Wanted to change the system

You'll pee on my door - Sir, what're you doing

Sorry sir

You are rusticated!

If all of you aren't out by morning, I'll call the police

I will call the police;

Rascals;

Rascals, all of you

How did he get my office key?

I gave him the key, Dad

I wish I'd given this key to my brother... He'd be alive today

Stop it, Pia

You think your son fell off a train and died?

Shut up, Pia

You decided he'd be an engineer

Did you ever ask him what he wanted to be?

You put such pressure on him...

that he chose death over the entrance exam

I don't understand...

Dad, you go to your room

Pia, don't do this

He wanted to study Literature, be a writer

But all he wrote was this suicide note

Put that away, please

No more cover-ups!

Just once...

if you'd said: Don't do Engineering if you don't want to

just do what your heart is in

then he'd be alive today

He didn't commit suicide

You're right, Dad

It wasn't suicide...

It was murder

Many city roads are completely submerged

Traffic has come to a standstill

Dad...

Mona?

Go back, Millimeter. Why're you following us?

Why? Your pop owns the road?

Please help, we are desperate here;

You can't send an ambulance?

Get it from another hospital

The entire city's flooded, sir. We're helpless

Mona, you ok?

Rancho, Pia

Rancho, you can't reach here. Do as I say

The water bag has burst

Disconnected! Mona

Mona!

Turn on the lights - Where to?

To the table tennis table - Pia, we're in the common room

Raju, turn on the web camera

Where's Mona? Show me

Hold on

Here, Pia

Mona, don't worry. I'm with you

Pia, I'm dying!

Rancho, even when there were no hospitals or docs

babies were delivered

You all will deliver this baby

All is well

How dare you? I'll kill you

Dad, stay out of this

Farhan, get towels and scissors

Millimeter, get clothes clips and hot water

Rancho, cover Mona

Mona, try pushing

Push with all your might

Stop it! I can't do it

Rancho, check if there's crowning

Crowning...?

Get that diagram

See if the head is coming out

Check quickly

Go;

Go, Rancho, go

No crowning

Mona, please push

Mona!

She's tired, Pia

Wake her! If she won't push, it's a big problem

They need a vacuum cup - Where will they get one?

What's a vacuum cup? How is it used?

I'll show you

If the mother's too fatigued to push, a cup is placed on baby's head

Suction makes the cup stick to the head...

and the baby is pulled out

I can make this - How?

With a vacuum cleaner - Vacuum cleaner?

Yes

That pressure's too high

I'll control it - D'you have a vacuum cleaner?

Yes, in my office

Farhan, rush and get it - Here's the key

Mona, push

Oh my God

What happened?

Raju, what happened? - The power's gone

How'll the vacuum work now?

Farhan, you get the vacuum, I'll get the power.

How?

Millimeter, get Virus out

What nonsense is this!

Not this Virus. My Virus, the inverter

Get that, quick - Ok

Raju, wake up the hostel

Get car batteries, wires, and a vacuum gauge

Emergency in the common room!

Where's Rancho? - Here, sir

Keep the batteries here ...and the wires

Raju, switch off everything, connect the inverter to the mains

Rancho, vacuum cleaner

Farhan, get your lens cleaner

Blower? - Yeah, get it

Rancho, blower

Good. Fix this to the gauge

Rancho, I'm done

All switches off? - Yes

Hit the table and computer switches

Ok

Raju, turn on the computer

Farhan, here

Pia, come here quick

Love you, Rancho

Farhan, turn it on - Ok

Pia, how much suction?

Not more than 0.5

Farhan, 0.5 - Cover it

0.5

Vacuum cleaner baby! Mother of all deliveries

Farhan, stop

Ok

Raju, get on the table

Push the baby down, like this

Ok

Farhan, turn it on

C'mon, you can do it

C'mon, push

Do it for Champ

C'mon, Mona

He's coming out;

You can do it

Yes Mona, push

Farhan, turn it off

Ok, off

Two clips, cut the umbilical cord

Farhan, two clips on the cord

Get scissors - Be careful

Cut at the center, get a towel

Pia, he's not crying

Hey Champ!

Rancho, rub his back

Hey Champ - Come on, Champ

No, nothing

Blow air into his mouth

C'mon, Champ

No response

Hush Mona, say - All is well

He kicked

What?

He kicked

Say: All is well

All is well

If Virus had said, 'My grandson will be an engineer'

I would've broken his jaw

But when he finally spoke, he stunned us

What a kick! Wanna be a footballer?

Be what you want to be

Wait: I've not finished with you!

First day of college, you'd asked me a question...

Why didn't astronauts use a pencil in space?

If a pencil tip breaks

it'd float in zero gravity. Get into eyes, nose, instruments...

You were wrong

You cannot be right all the time

You understand?

Yes, sir

This was an important invention

You understand?

Yes, sir

My Director said, 'When you find an extraordinary student...'

Go, study; Pass your exams and leave

And now, Student of the Year...

Ranchhoddas Shamaldas Chanchad

Sir, one photo

I wanted to capture all these memories and take them home

That day, we hugged, we rejoiced, we cried...

We vowed that we'd meet at least once a year...

Who knew then, we were seeing Rancho for the last time

Untie him

I'll sue you all in an American court

Raju

Only Rancho can create a school like this

But where is he?

Don't pee here

Go away creatures

Don't pee here - I'll smack you

Bingo; He cannot be far

Excuse me, where is Ranchhoddas?

He's not Ranchhoddas! - Rancho...

Chhote... Dammit, what's his name?

Calm down. Come with me

Where's he? - Rancho

Farhan, he's read all your books

Raju, he reads your blog everyday. Proudly shares it with the kids

Remember your helmet, Pia? It was stolen...

Who are you? How do you know us?

Didn't you recognize me? - No

How would you? Millimeter is now Centimeter

Not Centimeter, you're Kilometer

How did you get here?

I got a letter with a train ticket inside

It said: 'Miss being in school? Catch this train'... I did

That rascal Rancho;

Where is that idiot?

Dorje, you fly it

Every night you ride into my dreams on a scooter, dressed as a bride

Instead of a veil, you lift your helmet

and come close to kiss me

Couldn't you tell me before leaving?

No

Sorry

Did you marry?

What? No

You? - Almost... Idiot

So?

So what?

Do you love someone?

Yes

Who?

You

See, the noses don't collide, stupid

That's right;

Rancho

Hi... Farhan;

Screw your 'Hi'

Hey, listen to me... - No, you listen to me

I can explain everything

Hi... Raju;

How we hunted for you;

Didn't have a coin for one phone call?

Add a couple from me too

Rascal, scoundrel - Let him go now

Ok ok, enough

On your feet, c'mon

Having fun, idiots?

Hey... Hi Chatur

Ranchhoddas Chanchad. How do you do, Mr. Teacher?

Wow, you're a teacher in a village - A for Apple, B for Ball...

Our trains left together. But yours traveled in reverse...

from engineer to primary teacher

What's your salary, Chanchad? 5000 /-?

For me that's $ 100

My son's pocket money is more than your salary

Cut the crap - Crap is what he gave us

Wanted to change the education system, change the world

Finally what does he change? Kids' diapers

You gonna break his jaw or should I?

Just relax

Remember I'd said one day you'd cry and I'd laugh?

Sign here. Accept: You lost, I won!

'Declaration of Defeat'! Unbelievable, man

Chatur - Crazy guy

Hey, this is Virus's pen! You pinched it?

Forget it, man

This is for winners, not losers

If your school ever needs help, call my assistant for a donation

A for Apple, B for Ball...

He hasn't changed at all! - Ignore him

He's full of crap

Good news is your name isn't Ranchhoddas Chanchad

Imagine, after marriage, I'm Pia Chanchad: Yuck;

By the way, what is your real name?

Phunsukh Wangdu

Wangdu?

Pia Wangdu!

You mean you're a scientist?

You have 400 patents?

I won't change my name after marriage

You mean you're Chatur's Wangdu?

It's you the Japanese are wooing?

I don't like Wangdu

Are you a scientist or a teacher?

Scientist, but I also teach children

So you are TH E Phunsukh Wangdu?

Yes, yes;

Hey Silencer - Hey Chatur, come back

Take that

Wait, I'll stop him

Mr. Wangdu, I can't believe it's you

I'm sorry, Mr. Chatur

I can't sign the deal with your company

What sir? Why sir?

How do I sign, man? You took my pen

What pen, sir? I didn't get you...

The one in your hand - Virus's pen

Mr. Wangdu...?

Yes, Chatur?

A for Apple, B for Ball is...

...S for Screwed

You got me, Rancho - I mean, Mr. Wangdu

Totally floored me. Good one

I hope our personal problems won't affect this deal

Hey Chatur: take that

I was just joking, man

Deep down, I knew you'd do great things

You're fibbing

No, really, I swear

Rancho: 100, Chatur: 0

You win, I lose. You don't believe me?

Beware of farts

Your Majesty, thou art great. Accept this humble offering

Free advice, Mr. Wangdu - Run for your life;

Rancho, I'll lose my job, man. I have small kids...

His Holiness Guru Ranchhoddas had correctly stated

Follow Excellence... Success will chase you, pants down